CAN YOU HEAR THAT???

IT IS THE SOUND OF LOVE!!!

AND MENTAL HEALTH!!!

Where there were once “the voices,” now is the thumpity-thump of two hearts beating as one! Yes, my Pip is back. And we had sex!

Wait, it gets better! I have a new job working for the Agitproposcopia Foundation in their new Awareness Center. And Pip says as long as I have a job she’ll keep sleeping with me. Suh-weeeet!!!!

Of course People in Planes is the soundtrack for our love… and the only medicine I need to keep flying on course!

Oh, friends, How can I ever thank you for taking this journey with me?? How can I ever repay you for your kindness, support, and offers of heavy petting?

I give you My Secret of Life! You already know about the People in Planes record. Now all you need is a rubber ducky. Really! They make bath-time FUN-time, and then you want to be clean ALL the time. And nothing beats being clean. Quack! Quack!

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO SCRUB, I SALUTE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL MY BARRACUDA LOVE,
NB.

THE BARRACUDA IS SWIMMING, FREE AND EASY !!

I can see clearly now. The pennies have fallen from my eyes, the rain is gone, it’s green lights and blue skies all the way.

Damn you, Internet! You and your dime-a-dozen hucksters peddling your insidious thought games and clever marketing schemes. Damn you!

Thanks to my sexy therapist, my head is clear. My agitpropascopia (AGS) is under control. My television lies thick with dust. And I have steered clear of cyber-snake-oil salesman.

People in Planes is in the CD player, and on my iPod. My brain is buzzing, nicely with melody and a sonic-landscape of incredible depth. I no longer need my pills. People in Planes is my new drug.

More good news: Pip, my wayward sugar sweetie, is coming back. Last night I received a VERY PERSONAL e-mail from my darling, and she is leaving those Norwegian interlopers in the dirt, probably on their way to a tragic end in their Ford Fusion. She will be here in four days, and we will be going out to Mancuso’s for the Thursday spaghetti special. I will wear a clean shirt and limit myself to one glass of wine. Stay tuned, True Believers! Romance is in the air!

Personal note to ThrillJill: Thank you for making me feel so sexy!

Ditto to Peter Parker: You are very nice, but I am just not into dudes. But stay in touch!

And to PowerAmp2000: Please contact me via private e-mail and I can refer you to an Internet Help Network which will help you with your paranoia and rage.

I LOVE YOU ALL.
NB

I AM GOING TO BE OK.

The walls were closing in around me. Everywhere was dark, but NOW I SEE THE LIGHT! And, actually, my power got turned on again (thanks, Mom!) so I really do have light again!

Oh, what a fool I have been – although the liberal doctors keep telling me I cannot blame myself, I have a DISEASE. I am MENTAL. I do not have avian flu after all, although my hand where the bunyip bit me is still pretty fucked up.

Apparently, I am another case of AGITPROPOSCOPIA (AGS), a victim of the modern times in which we live, my brain infected by the digital bits and bytes of internet scams and cyber marketing hoaxters!

The brochure the doctor at the hospital gave me says AGS means I cannot stop looking, and that I am easily taken in by publicity campaigns and marketing schemes.

I MUST STOP WATCHING.

The good news is that the cure may have been in my house the whole time!

The new PEOPLE IN PLANES record, apparently has been very helpful in curing people how have been afflicted by the Agitprop! My new therapist who is very sweet and sexy like the head shrinker in the Sopranos tells me to LISTEN.

Close my eyes and LISTEN.

TEXTURE. SOUND. MELODY.

No drugs. No TV. No internet.

BUT I WILL NOT STOP POSTING… and listening to PEOPLE IN PLANES. Pip, my beautiful, my love, can you hear me, I am getting better!!! Please come home. I am going to be OK.

PERSONAL NOTE TO POWER AMP 2000: Please do not post threats on this blog! There is room for everyone! You are a good friend to me, level the vibe, dude!!!

I AM NOT GOING HOME TONIGHT

Today the lights went out. Apparently, I forgot to pay the electric bill. I guess no one told the power company THAT I JUST LOST MY JOB AND HAVE A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN PAY THE CORRUPT ENERGY INDUSTRY THE LAST FORTY BUCKS IN MY BANK ACCOUNT.

I am supposed to be collecting unemployment but when I went to the unemployment office there was a huge line and there was no way I was going to wait. If they want to pay me they had better think of a better way of doing business.

So here I am in RADIO SHACK writing this, Dear Reader, so you know that the BARRACUDA WILL NEVER QUIT. Right now the teenager behind the counter is checking me out so I better go fast--------

I HAVE BIG NEWS. HurraTorpedo, my FORMER favorite band, is a FRAUD!!!! I have just received an email from a TRUE FRIEND that proves that they are nothing more than a MARKETING SCHEME invented to sell SUVs and when they go back to Norway they aren’t even musicians, just models hired to play Dishwasher Rock for Money, like something called “The Monkees” that was popular in the 1950s!!!

It makes me wonder WHO ELSE IS TELLING ME LIES?????? HAVE MY MEMORIES BEEN FAKED??? SOMETIMES I WONDER WHO I AM.

I miss Dudley the Bunyip, but now I am wondering if even he was REAL. The bite on my hand sure is… in fact it is getting kind of gross and I plan to go to the hospital after I post this blog for you. Anyway, I am getting puss on their crappy computer terminal and they are going to throw me out. HEY FUCK YOU RADIO SHACK I AM A MEMBER OF YOUR STUPID BATTERY CLUB!

HAVE NO FEAR!!! THE BARRACUDA, LIKE THE GREAT BOETHIUS, IS ONE STOIC MOTHERFUCKER!!

I can live without lights. And I can ignore the voices no matter how loud they get.

Sometimes the pills work. Sometimes they make me sick. Mad Cow disease is here in America. I am eating chicken while I still can.

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Huh Corp can kiss my ass! I got fired today and not too soon, either. One more day there and I don’t know what I would have done. My boss is an idiot! He doesn’t understand that people have lives outside of work. My work on the internet is helping to keep the world safe, and he just doesn’t get it! Fuck him. I was going to quit anyway, and now I get my collection of Japanese monsters and vintage Tonka trucks that I bought on eBay shipped home for free. I win.

Apparently my good work is being noticed, though. Everywhere I go I am followed by Ford Fusions with tinted-glass windows and diplomatic license plates. But they'll never catch me.

And this morning, when Dudley the Bunyip escaped, I saw four guys in dark suits outside my window looking very suspicious. But I know who they are, they work for Ford Motor Company, who has been funding Hurra Torpedo, who, it turns out, are just Norwegian spies hiding behind a thin veil of washer-dryer combo units. Clearly, Pip, my ex-girlfriend is the mastermind behind all of this.

Before I do anything else I have to find Dudley. I am worried that he might have avian flu since he did not eat his sardines this morning. That boy loves his King Oscars! And he bit my finger, so I REALLY have to find him in case I have it, too. Actually, I’m not feeling so great.

I don’t know how this all happened. I had a great girlfriend and a job, now she is gone, and I am unemployed again, my pet bit me after I spend all my money on sardines for him, and I am being followed everywhere I go.

You know, I am starting to think that Dudley was working for Pip, too. How could I be so blind??

It may be the pheratones, they’re screwing up my head. I need to get out of here. I still have frequent flier miles on Oceanic Air from when my mother and her boyfriend took me to Tahiti in the 80s. I bet they fly to Australia where the bunyips are originally from. I must go there and warn them.

SCIENCE IS NOT THE ENEMY! I HAVE ROCK, HEAR ME ROAR!

Good News, Dear Readers! I located the mutant squirrel that had been hanging out in the park near my house… and now I am sure that it is not even a squirrel at all! No, Friends of Truth, I believe it is a form of the Australian Bunyip – part rodent, part reptile. This is clearly an American Bunyip, as I discovered him here in America.

You can see a picture of the Bunyip at
http://www.americanmonsters.com/gallery/aquatic/pages/bunyip1.html

Naturally, I have also alerted the fine people at Giantology.net.

For those of you who do not read the news, GIANTOLOGY has been one of the most important independent scientific study groups and now their leader and main blogger, whose identity is still a secret, has gone missing! It is pretty clear that the People in Washington were not happy with anything that promotes an alternate evolution — or just the old fashioned kind about apes-to-men.

Yes, those Bushies will squash any sort of progress if it could hurt their Intelligent Design program.

Friends, the Earth is mutating quickly. Witness the spread of Avian Flu! It has already reached Europe – how long could it be before I get it myself?

Which reminds me, I must be very careful with Dudley, as I have named my Bunyip. I think I will take him to work today and see what my boss says about that! So far I have fed him some sardines and he seemed very happy.

The Bunyip, I mean. I don’t really care what my boss eats.

Personal Note to Pip: If you still think banging on a dishwasher is a cool way to make music, think again. Now they have things called “Drums” and “Guitars” and people play something called “Rock.” You are such a loser. But if you wanted to come over for dinner Saturday Night I would make something good, you could meet Dudley and you could listen to my new favorite band People In Planes and you could learn what real good music is.

CALLING MR SEXY!

Technology is the best thing that ever happened to sex and the single man! And I’m not talking about those new electronic stimulation devices that they advertise in the back of all the magazines… No, I am talking about going out and getting a REAL WOMAN!

Who is cool? I am cool. Because I have just loaded the super sexy Testosteroni ring tone on my Nokia 5004 and the babes have already begun to take notice!

This is the newest and hottest thing: Pherotones – ring tones that women cannot resist! Every time my phone rings, I can tell, they are saying WHO IS HE? When I tell them I AM THE NARCOLEPTIC BARRACUDA they smile and get all nervous. Soon I will have the nerve to get their phone numbers before they go away.

I also need to get more phone calls, otherwise it doesn’t really work. Pip (see last blog) stopped calling me and told me if I keep calling her that one of the guys from HurraTorpedo is gonna shove a refurbished garbage disposal unit up my you-know-what, and since these guys are like Vikings, I figure I better listen.

Anyway, I don’t even like them anymore. Appliance rock is so over.

Who cares. My Pherotones have already made me a center of attention everywhere I go. You gotta check them out! This is no marketing scheme, this stuff works!

It won’t be long before I have the coolest girlfriend ever!

My only problem now is my boss, who keeps complaining that I am on the internet too much doing my own stuff. I told him of the work I was doing: I discovered Omnifam as con artists! I warned the world of SKL Network! And just this week I feel that I may have spotted a mutant squirrel in the park by my house. If I can find it again I am going to take it home and study it.

This could be BIG.

My boss can bite me! I am the Narcoleptic Barracuda! I am getting a girlfriend!

Anyway, I know he is just jealous, and he is not the only one here at HuhCorp that needs a lesson in life.