TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
Right now my kitchen is a like a war zone. There is no refrigerator or no oven, just empty space. Likewise, my heart has been torn out. Where once beat the heart of a man, is now a hole the size of a Whirlpool 5-Cycle Super-Spin Washer-Dryer.
I am lonely, and I am left with few working appliances. How did this all happen?
When Hurra Torpedo, the BEST of the new-wave of post-industrial hipster pop bands out there (the next U2!), came to town last week, I brought them my vintage Amana Radar Range and my ‘94 reissue Whirlpool Hunmidity Controlled Top Loading Refrigerator Combo WHICH I WAS GOING TO REPLACE ANYWAY, SO IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER TO ME, OK?
For those of you on the cutting edge of appliance-driven Norwegian rock, you know that Hurra Torpedo makes great music by playing on ovens, freezers, and other appliances. Their version of Total Eclipse of the Heart smokes, sometimes literally. They are the best. So I donated my kitchen to the cause! I knew my stove top wanted to be liberated!
But what I didn’t expect was to see MY EX GIRLFRIEND PIP getting out of their lousy Ford Fusion touring car!!! (Hey Ford, get a grip! You just laid off 25,000 potential Hurra fans!)
Last year me and Pip had a great date. I took her to Mancuso’s on ravioli night and we had a great time. I drank too much, but everyone knows that two glasses is my limit so I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. And anyway, I promised to pay her dry cleaning bill. MOST PEOPLE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY! I thought it was very romantic, and if I didn’t puke I would have got her desert, too. I know the tira misu would have “sealed the deal.” Chicks love that stuff.
But it was a great first date. We were a great couple! We really had a future. She was the best girlfriend I ever had. Now I have nothing.
Apparently she has left me for Hurra Torpedo! MY band! She didn’t even know about them until I told her about their website and told her I was going to bring them some new “instruments.”
I don’t even know which one of those oven-beating thugs has seduced her!
Maybe all of them! Tramp!!!
I couldn’t even stay for the show. I went home and watched their old video of Total Eclipse of the Heart. I don’t even care anymore what my Radar Range sounded like, but it was one of the old ones with steel hinges and I bet it really ROCKED.
And now she does their videos and is making a documentary and a blog about them. I can’t even look at their website anymore. Pip, if you don’t stop talking my head will explode.
I don’t know if I should be mad at Hurra Torpedo, but when they come back here to play I am going certainly not going to be bringing them anything else from my apartment. All I have left anyway is an old toaster oven that probably wouldn’t sound that good anyway.
Right now my kitchen is a like a war zone. There is no refrigerator or no oven, just empty space. Likewise, my heart has been torn out. Where once beat the heart of a man, is now a hole the size of a Whirlpool 5-Cycle Super-Spin Washer-Dryer.
I am lonely, and I am left with few working appliances. How did this all happen?
When Hurra Torpedo, the BEST of the new-wave of post-industrial hipster pop bands out there (the next U2!), came to town last week, I brought them my vintage Amana Radar Range and my ‘94 reissue Whirlpool Hunmidity Controlled Top Loading Refrigerator Combo WHICH I WAS GOING TO REPLACE ANYWAY, SO IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER TO ME, OK?
For those of you on the cutting edge of appliance-driven Norwegian rock, you know that Hurra Torpedo makes great music by playing on ovens, freezers, and other appliances. Their version of Total Eclipse of the Heart smokes, sometimes literally. They are the best. So I donated my kitchen to the cause! I knew my stove top wanted to be liberated!But what I didn’t expect was to see MY EX GIRLFRIEND PIP getting out of their lousy Ford Fusion touring car!!! (Hey Ford, get a grip! You just laid off 25,000 potential Hurra fans!)
Last year me and Pip had a great date. I took her to Mancuso’s on ravioli night and we had a great time. I drank too much, but everyone knows that two glasses is my limit so I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. And anyway, I promised to pay her dry cleaning bill. MOST PEOPLE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY! I thought it was very romantic, and if I didn’t puke I would have got her desert, too. I know the tira misu would have “sealed the deal.” Chicks love that stuff.
But it was a great first date. We were a great couple! We really had a future. She was the best girlfriend I ever had. Now I have nothing.
Apparently she has left me for Hurra Torpedo! MY band! She didn’t even know about them until I told her about their website and told her I was going to bring them some new “instruments.”
I don’t even know which one of those oven-beating thugs has seduced her!
Maybe all of them! Tramp!!!
I couldn’t even stay for the show. I went home and watched their old video of Total Eclipse of the Heart. I don’t even care anymore what my Radar Range sounded like, but it was one of the old ones with steel hinges and I bet it really ROCKED.
And now she does their videos and is making a documentary and a blog about them. I can’t even look at their website anymore. Pip, if you don’t stop talking my head will explode.
I don’t know if I should be mad at Hurra Torpedo, but when they come back here to play I am going certainly not going to be bringing them anything else from my apartment. All I have left anyway is an old toaster oven that probably wouldn’t sound that good anyway.
posted by Narcoleptic Barracuda at 2:03 AM
5 Comments:
This is a tough time for all of us.
I’d like to make a movie with Pip. Give me her number and we’ll make a hot porno and you can watch it.
I saw this girl on the internet and she was pretty hot. And she is cool, she has a mini DV camera, and she parties. You guys are lame.
You should glad to be rid of this girl. She just thinks that hanging around with those Euro dicks will get her a new dishwasher or something. You deserve better.
The President says that we are addicted to oil. Too bad it took him so long to figure that out. There are lots of good hybrid cars out there now. Maybe you can get this band to give up their SUV and get one. Go to http://www.hybridcars.com/ and you can see many of them. Good luck!
Save a Tree, Save the Planet
You are very sweet but if she left you to go on tour with a band she does not love you. Where is Mancuso’s? Do you ever come to Boston?
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