YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Huh Corp can kiss my ass! I got fired today and not too soon, either. One more day there and I don’t know what I would have done. My boss is an idiot! He doesn’t understand that people have lives outside of work. My work on the internet is helping to keep the world safe, and he just doesn’t get it! Fuck him. I was going to quit anyway, and now I get my collection of Japanese monsters and vintage Tonka trucks that I bought on eBay shipped home for free. I win.

Apparently my good work is being noticed, though. Everywhere I go I am followed by Ford Fusions with tinted-glass windows and diplomatic license plates. But they'll never catch me.

And this morning, when Dudley the Bunyip escaped, I saw four guys in dark suits outside my window looking very suspicious. But I know who they are, they work for Ford Motor Company, who has been funding Hurra Torpedo, who, it turns out, are just Norwegian spies hiding behind a thin veil of washer-dryer combo units. Clearly, Pip, my ex-girlfriend is the mastermind behind all of this.

Before I do anything else I have to find Dudley. I am worried that he might have avian flu since he did not eat his sardines this morning. That boy loves his King Oscars! And he bit my finger, so I REALLY have to find him in case I have it, too. Actually, I’m not feeling so great.

I don’t know how this all happened. I had a great girlfriend and a job, now she is gone, and I am unemployed again, my pet bit me after I spend all my money on sardines for him, and I am being followed everywhere I go.

You know, I am starting to think that Dudley was working for Pip, too. How could I be so blind??

It may be the pheratones, they’re screwing up my head. I need to get out of here. I still have frequent flier miles on Oceanic Air from when my mother and her boyfriend took me to Tahiti in the 80s. I bet they fly to Australia where the bunyips are originally from. I must go there and warn them.