Narcoleptic Barracuda

2006-05-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

CAN YOU HEAR THAT???

IT IS THE SOUND OF LOVE!!!

AND MENTAL HEALTH!!!

Where there were once “the voices,” now is the thumpity-thump of two hearts beating as one! Yes, my Pip is back. And we had sex!

Wait, it gets better! I have a new job working for the Agitproposcopia Foundation in their new Awareness Center. And Pip says as long as I have a job she’ll keep sleeping with me. Suh-weeeet!!!!

Of course People in Planes is the soundtrack for our love… and the only medicine I need to keep flying on course!

Oh, friends, How can I ever thank you for taking this journey with me?? How can I ever repay you for your kindness, support, and offers of heavy petting?

I give you My Secret of Life! You already know about the People in Planes record. Now all you need is a rubber ducky. Really! They make bath-time FUN-time, and then you want to be clean ALL the time. And nothing beats being clean. Quack! Quack!

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO SCRUB, I SALUTE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL MY BARRACUDA LOVE,
NB.

2006-04-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

THE BARRACUDA IS SWIMMING, FREE AND EASY !!

I can see clearly now. The pennies have fallen from my eyes, the rain is gone, it’s green lights and blue skies all the way.

Damn you, Internet! You and your dime-a-dozen hucksters peddling your insidious thought games and clever marketing schemes. Damn you!

Thanks to my sexy therapist, my head is clear. My agitpropascopia (AGS) is under control. My television lies thick with dust. And I have steered clear of cyber-snake-oil salesman.

People in Planes is in the CD player, and on my iPod. My brain is buzzing, nicely with melody and a sonic-landscape of incredible depth. I no longer need my pills. People in Planes is my new drug.

More good news: Pip, my wayward sugar sweetie, is coming back. Last night I received a VERY PERSONAL e-mail from my darling, and she is leaving those Norwegian interlopers in the dirt, probably on their way to a tragic end in their Ford Fusion. She will be here in four days, and we will be going out to Mancuso’s for the Thursday spaghetti special. I will wear a clean shirt and limit myself to one glass of wine. Stay tuned, True Believers! Romance is in the air!

Personal note to ThrillJill: Thank you for making me feel so sexy!

Ditto to Peter Parker: You are very nice, but I am just not into dudes. But stay in touch!

And to PowerAmp2000: Please contact me via private e-mail and I can refer you to an Internet Help Network which will help you with your paranoia and rage.

I LOVE YOU ALL.
NB

2006-03-29T04:25:00.000-08:00

I AM GOING TO BE OK.

The walls were closing in around me. Everywhere was dark, but NOW I SEE THE LIGHT! And, actually, my power got turned on again (thanks, Mom!) so I really do have light again!

Oh, what a fool I have been – although the liberal doctors keep telling me I cannot blame myself, I have a DISEASE. I am MENTAL. I do not have avian flu after all, although my hand where the bunyip bit me is still pretty fucked up.

Apparently, I am another case of AGITPROPOSCOPIA (AGS), a victim of the modern times in which we live, my brain infected by the digital bits and bytes of internet scams and cyber marketing hoaxters!

The brochure the doctor at the hospital gave me says AGS means I cannot stop looking, and that I am easily taken in by publicity campaigns and marketing schemes.

I MUST STOP WATCHING.

The good news is that the cure may have been in my house the whole time!

The new PEOPLE IN PLANES record, apparently has been very helpful in curing people how have been afflicted by the Agitprop! My new therapist who is very sweet and sexy like the head shrinker in the Sopranos tells me to LISTEN.

Close my eyes and LISTEN.

TEXTURE. SOUND. MELODY.

No drugs. No TV. No internet.

BUT I WILL NOT STOP POSTING… and listening to PEOPLE IN PLANES. Pip, my beautiful, my love, can you hear me, I am getting better!!! Please come home. I am going to be OK.

PERSONAL NOTE TO POWER AMP 2000: Please do not post threats on this blog! There is room for everyone! You are a good friend to me, level the vibe, dude!!!

2006-03-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

I AM NOT GOING HOME TONIGHT

Today the lights went out. Apparently, I forgot to pay the electric bill. I guess no one told the power company THAT I JUST LOST MY JOB AND HAVE A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN PAY THE CORRUPT ENERGY INDUSTRY THE LAST FORTY BUCKS IN MY BANK ACCOUNT.

I am supposed to be collecting unemployment but when I went to the unemployment office there was a huge line and there was no way I was going to wait. If they want to pay me they had better think of a better way of doing business.

So here I am in RADIO SHACK writing this, Dear Reader, so you know that the BARRACUDA WILL NEVER QUIT. Right now the teenager behind the counter is checking me out so I better go fast--------

I HAVE BIG NEWS. HurraTorpedo, my FORMER favorite band, is a FRAUD!!!! I have just received an email from a TRUE FRIEND that proves that they are nothing more than a MARKETING SCHEME invented to sell SUVs and when they go back to Norway they aren’t even musicians, just models hired to play Dishwasher Rock for Money, like something called “The Monkees” that was popular in the 1950s!!!

It makes me wonder WHO ELSE IS TELLING ME LIES?????? HAVE MY MEMORIES BEEN FAKED??? SOMETIMES I WONDER WHO I AM.

I miss Dudley the Bunyip, but now I am wondering if even he was REAL. The bite on my hand sure is… in fact it is getting kind of gross and I plan to go to the hospital after I post this blog for you. Anyway, I am getting puss on their crappy computer terminal and they are going to throw me out. HEY FUCK YOU RADIO SHACK I AM A MEMBER OF YOUR STUPID BATTERY CLUB!

HAVE NO FEAR!!! THE BARRACUDA, LIKE THE GREAT BOETHIUS, IS ONE STOIC MOTHERFUCKER!!

I can live without lights. And I can ignore the voices no matter how loud they get.

Sometimes the pills work. Sometimes they make me sick. Mad Cow disease is here in America. I am eating chicken while I still can.

2006-03-10T02:18:00.001-08:00

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Huh Corp can kiss my ass! I got fired today and not too soon, either. One more day there and I don’t know what I would have done. My boss is an idiot! He doesn’t understand that people have lives outside of work. My work on the internet is helping to keep the world safe, and he just doesn’t get it! Fuck him. I was going to quit anyway, and now I get my collection of Japanese monsters and vintage Tonka trucks that I bought on eBay shipped home for free. I win.

Apparently my good work is being noticed, though. Everywhere I go I am followed by Ford Fusions with tinted-glass windows and diplomatic license plates. But they'll never catch me.

And this morning, when Dudley the Bunyip escaped, I saw four guys in dark suits outside my window looking very suspicious. But I know who they are, they work for Ford Motor Company, who has been funding Hurra Torpedo, who, it turns out, are just Norwegian spies hiding behind a thin veil of washer-dryer combo units. Clearly, Pip, my ex-girlfriend is the mastermind behind all of this.

Before I do anything else I have to find Dudley. I am worried that he might have avian flu since he did not eat his sardines this morning. That boy loves his King Oscars! And he bit my finger, so I REALLY have to find him in case I have it, too. Actually, I’m not feeling so great.

I don’t know how this all happened. I had a great girlfriend and a job, now she is gone, and I am unemployed again, my pet bit me after I spend all my money on sardines for him, and I am being followed everywhere I go.

You know, I am starting to think that Dudley was working for Pip, too. How could I be so blind??

It may be the pheratones, they’re screwing up my head. I need to get out of here. I still have frequent flier miles on Oceanic Air from when my mother and her boyfriend took me to Tahiti in the 80s. I bet they fly to Australia where the bunyips are originally from. I must go there and warn them.

2006-03-02T03:24:00.000-08:00

SCIENCE IS NOT THE ENEMY! I HAVE ROCK, HEAR ME ROAR!

Good News, Dear Readers! I located the mutant squirrel that had been hanging out in the park near my house… and now I am sure that it is not even a squirrel at all! No, Friends of Truth, I believe it is a form of the Australian Bunyip – part rodent, part reptile. This is clearly an American Bunyip, as I discovered him here in America.

You can see a picture of the Bunyip at
http://www.americanmonsters.com/gallery/aquatic/pages/bunyip1.html

Naturally, I have also alerted the fine people at Giantology.net.

For those of you who do not read the news, GIANTOLOGY has been one of the most important independent scientific study groups and now their leader and main blogger, whose identity is still a secret, has gone missing! It is pretty clear that the People in Washington were not happy with anything that promotes an alternate evolution — or just the old fashioned kind about apes-to-men.

Yes, those Bushies will squash any sort of progress if it could hurt their Intelligent Design program.

Friends, the Earth is mutating quickly. Witness the spread of Avian Flu! It has already reached Europe – how long could it be before I get it myself?

Which reminds me, I must be very careful with Dudley, as I have named my Bunyip. I think I will take him to work today and see what my boss says about that! So far I have fed him some sardines and he seemed very happy.

The Bunyip, I mean. I don’t really care what my boss eats.

Personal Note to Pip: If you still think banging on a dishwasher is a cool way to make music, think again. Now they have things called “Drums” and “Guitars” and people play something called “Rock.” You are such a loser. But if you wanted to come over for dinner Saturday Night I would make something good, you could meet Dudley and you could listen to my new favorite band People In Planes and you could learn what real good music is.

2006-02-21T04:01:00.000-08:00

CALLING MR SEXY!

Technology is the best thing that ever happened to sex and the single man! And I’m not talking about those new electronic stimulation devices that they advertise in the back of all the magazines… No, I am talking about going out and getting a REAL WOMAN!

Who is cool? I am cool. Because I have just loaded the super sexy Testosteroni ring tone on my Nokia 5004 and the babes have already begun to take notice!

This is the newest and hottest thing: Pherotones – ring tones that women cannot resist! Every time my phone rings, I can tell, they are saying WHO IS HE? When I tell them I AM THE NARCOLEPTIC BARRACUDA they smile and get all nervous. Soon I will have the nerve to get their phone numbers before they go away.

I also need to get more phone calls, otherwise it doesn’t really work. Pip (see last blog) stopped calling me and told me if I keep calling her that one of the guys from HurraTorpedo is gonna shove a refurbished garbage disposal unit up my you-know-what, and since these guys are like Vikings, I figure I better listen.

Anyway, I don’t even like them anymore. Appliance rock is so over.

Who cares. My Pherotones have already made me a center of attention everywhere I go. You gotta check them out! This is no marketing scheme, this stuff works!

It won’t be long before I have the coolest girlfriend ever!

My only problem now is my boss, who keeps complaining that I am on the internet too much doing my own stuff. I told him of the work I was doing: I discovered Omnifam as con artists! I warned the world of SKL Network! And just this week I feel that I may have spotted a mutant squirrel in the park by my house. If I can find it again I am going to take it home and study it.

This could be BIG.

My boss can bite me! I am the Narcoleptic Barracuda! I am getting a girlfriend!

Anyway, I know he is just jealous, and he is not the only one here at HuhCorp that needs a lesson in life.

2006-02-15T02:03:00.000-08:00

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART

Right now my kitchen is a like a war zone. There is no refrigerator or no oven, just empty space. Likewise, my heart has been torn out. Where once beat the heart of a man, is now a hole the size of a Whirlpool 5-Cycle Super-Spin Washer-Dryer.

I am lonely, and I am left with few working appliances. How did this all happen?

When Hurra Torpedo, the BEST of the new-wave of post-industrial hipster pop bands out there (the next U2!), came to town last week, I brought them my vintage Amana Radar Range and my ‘94 reissue Whirlpool Hunmidity Controlled Top Loading Refrigerator Combo WHICH I WAS GOING TO REPLACE ANYWAY, SO IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER TO ME, OK? For those of you on the cutting edge of appliance-driven Norwegian rock, you know that Hurra Torpedo makes great music by playing on ovens, freezers, and other appliances. Their version of Total Eclipse of the Heart smokes, sometimes literally. They are the best. So I donated my kitchen to the cause! I knew my stove top wanted to be liberated!

But what I didn’t expect was to see MY EX GIRLFRIEND PIP getting out of their lousy Ford Fusion touring car!!! (Hey Ford, get a grip! You just laid off 25,000 potential Hurra fans!)

Last year me and Pip had a great date. I took her to Mancuso’s on ravioli night and we had a great time. I drank too much, but everyone knows that two glasses is my limit so I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. And anyway, I promised to pay her dry cleaning bill. MOST PEOPLE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY! I thought it was very romantic, and if I didn’t puke I would have got her desert, too. I know the tira misu would have “sealed the deal.” Chicks love that stuff.

But it was a great first date. We were a great couple! We really had a future. She was the best girlfriend I ever had. Now I have nothing.

Apparently she has left me for Hurra Torpedo! MY band! She didn’t even know about them until I told her about their website and told her I was going to bring them some new “instruments.”

I don’t even know which one of those oven-beating thugs has seduced her!

Maybe all of them! Tramp!!!

I couldn’t even stay for the show. I went home and watched their old video of Total Eclipse of the Heart. I don’t even care anymore what my Radar Range sounded like, but it was one of the old ones with steel hinges and I bet it really ROCKED.

And now she does their videos and is making a documentary and a blog about them. I can’t even look at their website anymore. Pip, if you don’t stop talking my head will explode.

I don’t know if I should be mad at Hurra Torpedo, but when they come back here to play I am going certainly not going to be bringing them anything else from my apartment. All I have left anyway is an old toaster oven that probably wouldn’t sound that good anyway.

2006-02-07T02:03:00.000-08:00

IF WE ALL GET BIRD FLU, IT WON’T BE HER FAULT

It’s no wonder the world is one big ball of sniffles. So much beauracracy, so much bullsh*t!

I just received a letter from “a friend,” one of those anonymous do-gooders who would like to save the world by writing checks. You can bet she has about 20 tote bags from PBS!

Unfortunately, it seems, she has been taken in by omnifam.org, a “world health organization” which she now feels is only an alias for web-based con artists.

She discovered omnifam.org one day when she was googling about, looking for a new charity to support. What with all this bird flu going around, she thought it was a good time to help out with an international health crisis prevention team, and off went the check.

“Not only was my check cashed,” she writes, “but my entire bank account has been emptied. I feel that I am the victim of identity theft as well as liberal naiveté. I don’t even know if I can write off everything on my taxes, or just the original donation. Barracuda, help me!”

I suspect that this is a variation of the old African Letter scam, but in reverse. No one contacts you… the solicitation is done through a “charitable website.”

I left a message for omnifam.org director Abraham Lessig, who I soon learned has a reputation for threatening and violent behavior. But his response to my email was far more maddening than any broken leg. He sent me a crossword puzzle.

It reminds me of my run in with those religious freaks at the airport which led to the coffee throwing incident which was totally not my fault and OF WHICH I WAS CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES.

Anyway, I took care of Lessig. I put a “personal ad” up for him on a very naughty Dutch website for people just like him. He should be making lots of “new friends!” Have fun, Abe, courtesy of the Barracuda!

You have to watch out: Everybody is trying to make you feel sorry for them so you give them money, and sometimes it is hard to know who is telling the truth and who is pretending to be something they are not.

Personal Note to Hot4U: I am afraid I am unable to help you out with any cash loans right now, because I really don’t make that much and today my boss threatened to fire me again if I don’t stop sending personal email on company time, but thank you for the pictures and if I am ever in California I will be sure to look you up.

Narcoleptic Barracuda

2006-02-01T00:47:00.000-08:00

RIPPED OFF AGAIN! BUT THEY CAN’T STOP ME

You have got to keep improving yourself! Everyday I try to learn something new. Everyday I delve deeper into the conspiracies that have taken over this country. There are secrets everywhere… and now, more than ever, you can find answers if you just know where to look.

But they always try to stop curious people like us from asking questions! Everyday it gets harder to tell who are the watchers and who is being watched!

Someone told me of a great information source, The SKL-Network, who, at least from the outside look like top-notch content providers and producers of extraordinary documentaries with titles like The Curse of Tutankhamen, The Assassination of JFK, How to Make a Sheep with Five Legs, and Mars: the Extra-Terrestrials Weren’t Home.

But then I got word from one of my many constituents calling for the Barracuda’s clarion call for Consumer Righteousness! My pal BB from Bethpage tried to order some of their documentaries but all she got was this crazy CD-ROM of random footage and a note to some investigator! She figured that the order got mixed up somehow and tried to contact SKL, but there is ZERO customer service...it's like they're all missing!

Do not order DVDs from SKL!

The Narcoleptic Barracuda Promise: I stand for the Truth! And I will work everyday to uncover rip-offs, scams, lies, conspiracies, and corporate fraud that surrounds us! No one is safe when the ’Cuda is on the job!

Narcoleptic Barracuda

2006-01-24T02:03:00.000-08:00

Take Heart, Little One! Jamie Kane, Shine On!

Artists are always misunderstood, especially after they’re dead and can’t even defend themselves. People still expect great things from Kurt Cobain and John Lennon. Are they so great that they can still inspire hope from Beyond the Grave! Yes! They are that great. Another great artist, although never as popular as Nirvana or the Beatles, was Jamie Kane. And even in death, Jamie continues to shine on. But he can no longer give autographs!

This week I heard from ThrillJill who had ordered a signed lithograph from Jamie’s website… and it never arrived. Could it be that it is because this great singer has passed on to the Great Gig in the Sky??

In Life, Jamie Kane was larger than life. Anyone who has seen him on British show Top of the Pops or heard him on BBC Radio 1 knows that he had talent and vision far beyond today’s manufactured pop stars. His first band Boy*d Upp was cool even for a “boy band,” but when he broke free with Be Brave... well, it was the start of something big. When his helicopter crashed, and Jamie was lost forever, it was truly a black day for music. But I will never let him be forgotten. Jamie Kane lives!

But that lithograph probably is not coming.
I have promised ThrillJill that I will contact Jamie’s estate. It has been a tough time for all of Jamie’s friends and family, so we have to have some respect. So many people believed in him… and now he is gone. But life if for the living, and Jill, you and I are still here, connected at the heart by Jamie’s music.

2006-01-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

CLONES, CLOUDS, AND CRAZY PEOPLE

How long will it be before they start printing advertising on clouds? Why not? Those fluffy wisps of precipitation-in-the making may be the last bit of blank canvas left for corporate philistines to scribble their messages, peddling over-sugared breakfast cereals, radial tires, and miniature MP3 players.

I read where a woman on ebay auctioned off her face for a tattooed advertisement. Is nothing sacred?

A person’s face is their soul! With human cloning on the brink of legality — apparently it is happening with various degrees of success in rogue laboratories outside the US — there will be an unlimited supply of faces to harvest, a tidal wave of human billboards.

We should be thankful for companies like CloneWatch.org who are dedicated to putting a quick stop to the morally bankrupt science of manufacturing humans. Please, I urge all of you, to support them. Companies who promise duplicate children and pets, must be stopped NOW. Just take a look at www.humancloning.org. It will make you SICK.

I was telling my boss about this the other day, and sounding a warning that we are all at risk. Of course he is one of these happy-go-lucky types, who seems to think that things like avian flu and identity theft are things that happen to other people. To him I am just a 21st Century Chicken Little. But he’ll find out soon enough. He keeps telling me to get back to work, but I know that I have a greater responsibility to get this message out. Every person on this island Earth has got to be aware of this travesty of nature!

Have no fear, my friends, the Narcoleptic Barracuda is here for YOU. Nothing can stop me.

I just heard that there was a successful human cloning in Korea. Does anyone know more about this?

Narcoleptic Barracuda